Thursday, January 7, 2010

what money does and bravery

My father was blacklisted, but before that he'd worked at Justice as an attorney. My mother built a practice in D.C. as an OBGYN. She delivered babies and dealt with infertility and was amazing and beloved. Their life began in Washington, it was full of hope, and hope was all around then. FDR was president. They began in the throes of a depression but lived to see it ease; his policies were close enough to the socialism they believed in to comfort them. And of course war came, their relatives either fled or were murdered, they joined anti-fascist movements, they committed themselves to making a better world. And their own world grew exponentially. I look at photos of them and am amazed at the evident happiness. They had managed despite all obstacles; my mother had a booming practice and interesting patients, my father was a successful attorney, then Truman became president and the witch hunts began. He lost his job. He lost his self respect. My mother supported them. When he was finally hired, it meant leaving all they'd built to move back to New York City. For my father it was a new beginning, for my mother a new struggle. She endured, but never had the same affection for her work. She retired early and never complained about giving her career up, but I saw the effect it had on her. My siblings were out of the house, but I was there and I knew a very different woman from the one they grew up with. She was anxious, angry and chronically insecure. When I was very young I thought my mother was incredible, I wanted to be just like her. But as I grew older, I found her very different. It made me realize that giving up one's identity is a huge sacrifice.

Which brings me to Amelia and Muriel. They grew up in a household where money and lack of work became a huge issue. Their father moved from job to job, his alcoholism fueling his descent. Her mother's discontent was palpable, she left him once, then came back for a while and finally divorced him. Amelia and Muriel made their own way, with little money to back them. In Muriel's case I have a feeling this fueled a desire for stability, while in Amelia's . . .obviously the opposite. At the core of Amelia's character there is this willingness to try. She saw that control was an illusion. I'm not saying she wasn't afraid of death, I'm saying she was willing to face that fear in ways that most of us wouldn't.

I see her trying now, in my book. I love watching her do it, love watching her explore her options yet again, she threw off the traces then, would she do it given a second chance? Would she choose to soar, or would she have to address some of her regrets. Indeed, what would any of us do given that chance? There's my question for you out there, what would any of us really change? We like to say we would change a great deal, but I wonder if we would or if that's just Dickens calling, A Christmas Carol's conceit. It's brave to fly east to the dawn, but it's also brave to see yourself whole and wholly. To try and change who you are, that's bravery too. It may not be something the public cares about, but if you can do it, if you can change how you interact with someone you truly love, well that has to matter.

17 comments:

  1. Change is all the rage now. I just watched some of the three-night, PBS special “This Emotional Life,” about happiness, positive psychology, and resilience. The book, The Happiness Project is number two on the bestseller list. Americans seem obsessed with becoming happier and more fulfilled—or at least those of us economically sound enough to even ruminate on anything but getting a job. Maybe we should all learn to fly our own planes, like Amelia Earhart; then we can conquer our fears, feel a sense of freedom AND avoid terrorists on our flights!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I saw This Emotional Life, too. It talked a lot about fear and anxiety. And change makes most people anxious. I'd definitely change myself from the Muriel prototype to the Amelia model if I could.

    But I think it would take a LOT of DRUGS to accomplish that transformation.

    ~jan

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fear of flying? I know what you mean when you say lots of drugs and how hard it is to transform one's self, let alone stop worrying over every single thing that goes on in one's life. Happiness is definitely not overrated, but how do you find it, and how do you hold onto it, and is trying to hold on really the opposite of what it means to be happy?

    ReplyDelete
  4. She wanted more time to read, sit under a tree and reflect, hone her writing; she said as much to an interviewer. Long leisurely stretches of time which she never got in Life #1. Now's her chance to write without the literarily-compromising influence of deadlines.
    As a general precept, she knew, as you say, that control is an illusion, and as far as I can tell she seldom if ever acted like a control freak towards anyone but her mother and sister. On the evidence of her letters to her mother, she could be pretty bossy towards them, and that's probably because these were the two people who meant the most to her. As we mature and gain experience, our understanding of our own precepts and principles expands; perhaps in Life #2 she'll recognize her own controlling behaviors for what they were, and will be more consistent in respecting Muriel's boundaries. Too late to change anything in her relationship to her mother, though, who passed on well before 1980.

    ReplyDelete
  5. With you about her relationship with her mother, but Muriel, yes she surely was controlling. Interesting isn't it? Will she be a writer . . . she wanted to. I have to say, flying is a lot more exciting. But that's my take, sitting here at the computer checking in.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes, flying is more exciting in the sense that there's more densely packed pleasure in it. But I think of writing as a way to extract the fullest measure of pleasure from flying. Quite often I'm too intensely focused on procedures and instrument readings to think about whether I'm enjoying myself. Then I land and I have the time to feel the pleasure of it in retrospect; if I then write about it, I can explore the details I didn't have time to feel or think about during the flight. The pleasure keeps on giving when I then turn to write about other pilots and their flying.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It rings true to me when you say that if you can change how you interact with someone that you truly love, that has to matter. If change isn't just re-arranging the furniture, then it has to come from some deep, uncharted place. What that place is and how to access it, I don't know. I am moved by the story of your parent's lives, juxtaposed to Amelia's and Muriel's. I also find myself wondering how, for example, Emerson would see and experience the world if he were alive today, as you explore how Amelia would live today. Time is flying so fast, it seems like an anchor and a three dimensional perspective to look at today through the eyes of Amelia, who lived in another generation. I'm also struck by your description of your own mother, and Amelia's relationship with her mother. Mother-daughter relationships are a loaded topic to me! You also mention bravery as facing fear, as opposed to bravery being the absence of fear. The whole question of feeling fear and other uncomfortable feelings, rather than fleeing from them, has been uppermost in my mind lately. Thank you for posting your thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  8. And thanks to all of you, your comments really keep me going with this project. Mothers and daughters is a loaded topic for me too Colleen as you can well imagine. As for writing and flying and combining that two, I'm in awe. . .I used to love flying so much. It was such an adventure, but now packed into the back of the plane I find myself gritting my teeth, have often wondered what it would be like up front.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ever thought about taking an introductory flight lesson at some non-busy municipal airport? Flying in a small two- or four-seater general aviation aircraft is an utterly different experience than riding in the aerial cattle cars that commercial jets have become.

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's definitely a thought, I live near Teterboro actually.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ya know, I just had an idea. What if I were to contact the Ninety-Nines in your area and see if there's anyone who could take you up for a short jaunt? Most of us love sharing the joy of flight.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow. Can we wait till it's not subzero though? That's pretty stellar. . .

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sure. Let's revive the topic in, say, April.

    ReplyDelete
  14. April sounds good, will it ever come?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Water comes to a boil quicker if you stare at the pot. Try staring at the calendar. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm re-reading your description of your parents. NYC in the 40's and 50's...socialism...blacklisting...hmmm...were your parents acquainted with Herbert Aptheker? The reason I ask is because I know his daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  17. It's possible, I certainly know of him. But there's no one left to ask, see my next full post on that one . . .

    ReplyDelete